I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
