Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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