i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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