just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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