I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
