i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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