id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
