There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
