I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
