FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
