We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
