a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
i was born a porn star she said
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
