I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
