he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Randomize
