Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
