ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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