i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
