you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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