Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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