i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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