I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Alive.
So much puke
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
