I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
