I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
