I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
