She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
