Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
