if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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