shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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