My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
