hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
