I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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