i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
