you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
