i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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