either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
