i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
