Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
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I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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