thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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