Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The cops high fived after they tackled you
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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