my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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