She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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