She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
