I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
