nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
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I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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