Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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