It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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