i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
