In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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