A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
