Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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