One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
