like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
