I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
