Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
