Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
