look no pants
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Are my feet made of real feet?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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