The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
