Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
