please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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