i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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