It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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